Voyage to the Prehistoric Planet

Some movies are so bad they’re good, and some movies are just ... bad. My husband and I enjoy watching them both and I thought it would be fun to share the best of the worst. So without further ado, here’s my bad movie review of the week. I leave it up to you to decide whether the movie is bad, or just the review. ;-)

This week’s movie started with a debate between the hubby and I regarding what kind of bad movies I should be reviewing. This was brought on by my suggestion we watch Robot Shark on Saturday. Hubby claimed it was too “new” of a movie - it didn’t count unless it was an older movie with cheesy effects. The debate continues ...

Made 1965, this movie was a Soviet film originally called Planeta Bur. The part with Basil Rathbone as the lead scientist on the moon base was tacked on to the American version. The year is 2020. There’s already a colony on the moon and now mankind is preparing to colonize Venus. To that end, three ships are launched from Lunar Station 7 - the Vega, the Sirius, and the Capella.

The action kind of flits around from ship to ship to station in the beginning, so it’s a little hard to figure out what’s going on at first. And despite the fact we have this movie on DVD, it was pretty poor quality. We had to keep jacking up the volume. Anyway, the three ships almost make it to Venus when a meteorite crashes into the Capella, destroying it. Isn’t that always the way? So the two crewmen from the Vega, the lead ship, and a cool looking robot named John, go down to Venus, leaving token woman Marsha (who’s sporting a space beehive hairdo) behind to man the fort.

Venus is pretty much covered in clouds so they can’t really see what’s down there. Nobody likes the look of those pesky clouds so they turn control of the landing ship over to robot John. And then they promptly lose contact with Marsha so everyone naturally assumes they crashed. Marsha’s pretty upset and thinks it’s her fault for encouraging them to go down there. But there’s no time for this petty emotionalism, the Sirius is ready to make their attempt. The Sirius keeps trying to make contact with the first group when they land, but they don’t have much luck either.

They shine flashlights out the windows to see what’s out there: fog out one window, strange rock formations out the other. The commander suggests they turn on the “outside sound pickup” and hear a bunch of strange sounds. They check the oxygen level out there - 4.7, whatever that means - and put on their space suits. Up to this point they were dressed in street clothes. There’s no airlock, they just step out of the ship to have a look around.

One of them is carrying a poking stick. He has a rope tied around him, tethering him to the ship, which is a good thing because the next thing you know this plant with tentacles grabs him and starts to drag him away. The others have quite the struggle to get him free, but when one of them tries to take a picture of the plant it closes right up. Maybe they should have tried that first. They figure out where the smaller ship must have landed, so they decide to go there taking an overland route.

Meanwhile, we see that the other crew is okay, but I guess their ship isn’t because they’re on foot and they’re having to put the robot back together. They’re attacked by little man-sized Godzillas who kind of bounce around (they’re actually kind of cute). After driving off the Godzillas they finish putting John’s head back on and then start off to meet up with the other crew (one assumes).

Back to the crew of the Sirius. Their car looks like a cross between an AMC Pacer and the car the Jetson’s drove only it’s kind of a hovercraft. They pause in their trip to take a picture of what looks to be a brontosaurus. They hear that weird music like noise again and one of them swears it sounds like a girl.

The two with the robot are getting a little woozy because their suits were damaged. I’m thinking it must have been during the fight with the mini godzillas. They find a picturesque waterfall and the robot is forced to extend his claws to keep from slipping. Then he whines about how too much water will damage his systems. One of these guys is really struggling so they take shelter in a cave behind a waterfall.

One of the guys from the second crew gets the bright idea to try contacting the robot instead of the ship, and they succeed (they’re on some kind of lake at this point). The first crew is unconscious now and they tell the robot to, one at a time, open the crewmen’s helmets, give them a tablet, pour water over their face, and quickly close the helmet again. He does this and they revive.

Meanwhile, a flying reptile hits the top of the hover-car. Fortunately it’s equipped with a gun turret and they’re able to drive it away. At least temporarily. There’s a plug in the bottom of the car which they remove to sink the car so they can continue their journey on the bottom of the lake.

Marsha’s kind of freaking out because now she’s lost contact with everyone. She stares out the window, trying to figure out what to do. It’ll take an hour before she can switch on the propellers, but she feels she has to go to them.

Meanwhile, the guys with the car are on the bottom of the lake. It looks like it was filmed through an aquarium. They’ve actually stopped the car to do a bit of exploring. An adorable little squid creature pokes at one of them, another finds a cave that looks manmade, and one of them finds a statue of the flying creature with a ruby for its eye.

The two in the cave appear to be fully recovered. They decide to keep walking. The robot is tethered to a tree and starts to spin the upper half of his body to wind the rope up, causing the tree to fall to make a bridge.

The others are dragging the car to the shore of the lake. I guess maybe it wasn’t meant to be underwater after all? They build a fire to dry things out. Yes, that’s right. There’s not enough oxygen for them to breathe, but there’s enough to build a fire. They figure there could be a whole race of people out there and speculate on what they could look like. They hear the music again and one of them is positive it’s a beautiful girl singing. Oh, well. Maybe another time. The car’s finished drying out so off they go.

The other two see a volcano leaking lava. One wants to leave and the other wants to keep watching. Then there’s an explosion and the lava pushes forward. They need to get to higher ground. They end up having to get John to carry them across the lava. Halfway across John decides he needs to rid himself of the deadweight and tries to toss them off.

Fortunately, the guys in the car arrive in the nick of time. They have to leave the robot behind and it falls face first into the lava. At this point they decide to have a coffee break and the one guy is still wondering what the singer looks like. Another climbs some rock near a vent of gas and sees some dinosaurs. They head back to the ship where they find a message from Marsha telling them she’s decided to try landing the big ship by herself.

It starts to rain and a big sink hole opens up near the ship. They prepare for emergency blast off which appears to include off-loading a bunch of their supplies. Then they realize Marsha’s still up there - she was ordered to wait, but her orbit’s decaying. They hurriedly set up a weather station and the rock one of them uses for a hammer breaks open to reveal the image of a woman’s face. He seems a little obsessed with her as he returns to the ship. Just in the nick of time - the landing spot erodes just as the ship takes off.

The rain stops and we see the reflection of the woman in a pool of water. The rocket is speeding away and the narrator explains that the exploration for intelligent life will continue.

Not if they keep coming up with movies like this. ;-)

Matutinal Monday

matutinal ~ of, like or pertaining to the morning; happening early in the day

Last week was pretty uneventful - didn’t really go anywhere or do anything unusual, no holidays or side trips... All in all it was pretty mundane. Which makes for a really boring blog post.

So I sat here Sunday night, trying to think of something interesting to talk about and ... nothing.

Stared at the blank document file I had open on my laptop and ... nothing.

Watched some television for inspiration and ... still nothing.

I was starting to see a pattern.

So then I started surfing the net and ended up playing a few rounds of Bubble Mouse, then solitaire, then Word Garden ...

I got a little more writing in that normal last week, including an blogging award meme that I was sent a few weeks ago. You can read the post about that HERE

One of the things I worked on was a new short story. It’s been so long since I’ve worked on something entirely new that I was beginning to think I’d lost the knack for it. But I made a good start and if I keep at it there’s a chance I might even get the first draft of it finished this week.

The story is pure science fiction, which takes me back to my roots. When I first started writing, way back in the stone age when I was in high school, I had visions of being a writer of short stories. Specifically, science fiction short stories. I wanted to be published in Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine.

Of course that never happened, but it didn’t stop me from trying. Later I entered a few stories in the Writers of the Future contest and one of them actually got an honorable mention.

I never even considered writing a novel back then - I was a writer of short stories! Even when my ideas turned out to be too long for a short story I’d stick to my guns. I’d abandon those stories and move on to something else. I still have folders full of them.

I honestly don’t know when I wandered away from short stories and into the realm of novels, but when I first started writing longer stuff I gave up on the short story completely. Eventually, a few shorter pieces did start creeping back but it was mostly flash fiction, and more often fantasy or contemporary, not science fiction. So like I said, this new story is kind of like getting back to my roots.

There’s something to be said for the short story, it’s like a quick glimpse into another world whereas the novel is more a long stare. I know there are authors out there who stick to either novels or short stories exclusively, but I think they’re doing themselves a disservice. The short story teaches you to write with brevity, you only have a few words to get your point across, while the novel allows you to stretch your wings and fully develop your ideas. Both help you hone your craft.

Like most things, it’s all about finding your balance.

The Twilight People

Some movies are so bad they’re good, and some movies are just ... bad. My husband and I enjoy watching them both and I thought it would be fun to share the best of the worst. So without further ado, here’s my bad movie review of the week. I leave it up to you to decide whether the movie is bad, or just the review. ;-)

This “gem” was made in 1972 with a budget of $150,000.00. The opening credits are shown over top some underwater footage with a really cheesy 70s soundtrack. Eventually we see a diver being attacked by two others and he’s hoisted up to a boat by his feet. Here we’re introduced to creepy hunter guy and hot scientist chick.

He’s taken to a remote island that has a bunch of armed guards (I think they’re Mexican) wandering around. The man is driven to a Spanish looking mansion in the middle of the jungle and we learn his name is Max Farrell. He meets Dr. Gordon who tells him he was chosen for his physical and mental abilities to participate in some kind of mad scientist plan to create a super race.

Farrell’s given a room to stay in and while he’s out on his balcony enjoying the view, he meets the fellow prisoner from the next room who advises him to make the best of it. Then we cut to creepy hunter guy who’s heading up a group chasing after one of the doctor’s “patients” who looks like a cross between a man and a boar. Creepy hunter guy shoots him between the eyes and the doctor is not happy with him.

After picking the lock on his door, Farrell wanders through the house instead of heading for the front door. He rifles through the doctor’s files and discovers he’s a Nobel Laureate. After hiding under the desk when he hears someone coming, he makes his way to the basement to the accompaniment of what we assume to be suspenseful music. There’s lots of scientific equipment - test tubes, incubators, a head in a jar...

Cut to a different lab that’s full of hybrid creatures.

Suddenly it’s the next day and he’s wandering around outside. Creepy hunter guy tries to get him to try and escape so he can hunt him.

Umm, now we cut to a yet another lab where the doctor is working, and hot scientist chick (his daughter, whose name is Neva) asks about him working late. They talk about using Farrell for the “Class Gs”. She doesn’t seem as enthusiastic as dear old dad.

Suddenly it’s evening again she visits Farrell in his room to examine his eyes. (Seems like a pretext to me). He gets a little touchy feely with her - kisses her and she leaves - he follows and sees her enter a secret passage that leads to where they’re keeping the creatures her father has created. He saves her when she’s about to be attacked and asks if this is what’s going to happen to him.

Jump to her and her father talking in his lab/office. She wants him to let Farrell go. He gives an impassioned speech about his super beings. Meanwhile, Farrell is wandering around again and looks to have found some kind of medical section where they’re going to do something to the guy he met on the next balcony - guy is immersed in bubbling water and they screw a plastic sheet over the top of his (bald) head. Farrell can’t see what they’re doing, but they remove the top of his friend’s head and Neva is sprayed with blood and runs away. Farrell follows her to her room where she’s about to swallow a bunch of pills - he stops her, they end up on the floor, he promises to help her and they start kissing. They’re caught by doctor and hunter guy. Doctor gives daughter an angry look, she kind of smirks in return.

Farrell’s taken to the cave with the creatures and locked in a cell. Hunter guy leaves him there and goes to look at his gun collection that he has on a lit wall. He pours himself a glass of milk (milk? really?) and Neva comes out of hiding with a rifle. They struggle and of course he overpowers her. There’s a lot of name calling but then he slumps to the bed - she drugged his milk.

Neva releases Farrell and tells him she knows a secret way out of the caves, but she insists on taking the rest of the creatures too - and a more motley bunch of creatures you’ve never seen. Such bad costume/make up! Farrell convinces her to take the creatures and go on without him, they’ll meet up later. He sneaks into doc’s room and takes him prisoner. I don’t know if it’s really night there or if the movie’s just really, really dark - it’s kind of hard to see any details.

This is where the movie gets really choppy and hard to follow:
- hunter guy wakes up
- creatures are moving through the jungle
- doc and Farrell reach the river they’re going to follow to the coast
- hunter guy sees the creatures on the ridge, sends a trio of men after them
- doc and Farrell are now headed off into the jungle
- (hubby thinks it’s called Twilight People because they can’t seem to make up their mind about the lighting)
- Neva is having problems with all the animals. Two of them (goat boy and dog girl) go off in the jungle and share some food. Panther girl is rolling around on the ground purring. Monkey boy is shaking a tree - bat boy is hanging upside down from a branch of said tree
- trio of native guards are taking a break
- panther girl attacks the trio
- Neva and others rest. Batboy is climbing a tree - monkey boy seems to really like Neva, I mean really likes her. He attacks her and goat boy and dog girl chase him off. Bat boy tries to fly - oops, I don’t think those wings were attached properly - looked like they were duct taped on - hunter catches up to the trio (who’re now just a duo)
- Farrell and doc watch from the next ridge over
- Okay, now it looks like the two who lost their companion are off on their own again
- Farrel realizes they’re being watched and ties the doctor to a tree so he can go see what's going on. It’s really too dark - a voice tells him not to move or they’ll see him
- Neva sends goat boy after panther girl - dog girl isn’t happy
- hubby makes the comment that this is sort of like the Monty Python Sketch called Elephantoplasty, where they start sewing random things onto people
- bunch of fighting - too dark to see, think panther girl got another guard
- someone’s shooting at Farrell
- someone’s crawling on the ground and manages to send off a flare
- hunter guy tells his men to fan out
- goat boy was shot - oops! Panther girl is attacking him - dog girl comes to his rescue - no match for panther girl - goat boy uses his rifle butt to kill panther girl
- hunter and his men are climbing up the small mountain, Farrell is trailing them
- Neva decides the creatures should split up
- hunter has his men spread out again - looks around suspiciously
- Farrell’s hiding close by
- batboy is up in a tree as the hunters pass by
- monkey boy gets shot and the guards take Neva back to hunter
- goat boy starts shooting from his hiding place. Everyone kind of scatters but Neva is still a prisoner
- monkey boy isn’t quite dead
- dog girl takes out one of the guards
- all’s quiet
- okay, despite the flimsy wings (that you can totally see the wires attached to) bat boy’s flying away (pretty good considering he fell out of the tree on his first attempt)
- goat boy and dog girl get killed
- hunter’s been wounded - I think the rest of the guards are all dead because he’s hotfooting it outta there
- Farrell follows the trail of blood to where hunter’s lying in wait. He reaches the river - they stare at each other
- doctor has reached his house (no idea how he got loose)
- batboy comes flying in
- doctor gathers all his research and escapes into the creature cave
- batboy merrily goes about killing the rest of the guards
- doctor is confronted by a tree creature who turns out to be his former wife
- okay, stupid, it’s not a good idea to bad mouth the woman you turned into a tree when she’s holding a knife
- suddenly, Neva and Farrell are there at the house where she cradles her dead father in her arms
- how did he get out of the tunnel? what happened to hunter? and the mother?
- ends with a really, really bad image of batboy flying off towards the mountains

Words alone cannot express how insanely bad this movie was.



I swear, I honestly don’t pick these movies because there’s a YouTube video available for them! It’s just a happy co-incidence. But I gotta tell you, the YouTube video is much better quality than the video we watched. ;-)

Monanthous Monday

monanthous ~ having only a single flower

Happy Memorial Day to all my Yankee friends!

I have to admit to being a bit curious about the origins of Memorial Day. Other than it provides a long weekend in May to offset our Victoria Day weekend, and that it’s to honour fallen soldiers, I really don’t know much about it. So I thought it was about time I learned something new.

In the years following the Civil War, the federal government began creating national military cemeteries for the fallen Union soldiers. During the1860s it became the custom in many places to make a special acknowledgement of these soldiers in the late spring, decorating the graves with flowers and reciting prayers.

Decoration Day, as it was originally called, was observed on May 30th, and after World War I it became a day to commemorate all military personnel, no matter what conflict they died in. Gradually the name changed to Memorial Day and in 1968 Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act which established Memorial Day as the last Monday in May, thereby creating a three-day weekend and turning it into a federal holiday.

In Canada we have a similar day called Remembrance Day, that’s observed on November 11 each year. Originally it was Armistice Day, commemorating the fallen soldiers from World War I on the anniversary of the armistice being signed (the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month), but in 1931 it became Remembrance Day to encompass all branches of the Canadian Armed Forces no matter what conflict. However, it is not a federal holiday for us, so we don’t get the day off. It is customary, however to observe a moment of silence at the appropriate hour.

So ... among the things I didn’t get done over the weekend, I did not get my seeds planted, and my front garden is just a big lump of dirt still. Okay, there are a few weeds and an stray lily-of-the-valley or two, but no bedding plants. There was just no time to pick them out over the weekend, and in any case, it was too hot to garden. But I’m hoping the hubby and I can get the plants tonight and I can plant them a few at a time over the course of the week.

Yes, that’s right. In the space of a week I’ve gone from wondering if it’ll ever warm up to complaining about the heat. And not just the heat, we’ve got the humidity too. Guess it serves us right for living right beside Lake Ontario.

As I sit typing this (quickly because I’m in my recliner and I’m getting super over-heated having the lap top on my lap) I have a fan going. There’s one in the bedroom as well that I dug out at 3:30 a.m. when the heat woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep. And as much as I hate the noise from the air conditioner, I’m seriously looking forward to it going in the dining room window.

I think it’s going to be a long summer.

Mars Needs Women

Some movies are so bad they’re good, and some movies are just ... bad. My husband and I enjoy watching them both and I thought it would be fun to share the best of the worst. So without further ado, here’s my bad movie review of the week. I leave it up to you to decide whether the movie is bad, or just the review. ;-)

This was exciting - Disney versus DC Comics! This movie was filmed in two weeks in 1967, and looks like it. It stars Tommy Kirk (best known for his career with Disney in films such as Old Yeller, The Shaggy Dog, and The Monkey’s Uncle) and Yvonne Craig (the original Batgirl). Sadly, that was pretty much the only exciting part about this movie.

It begins with random little vignettes - a woman playing tennis, one out to dinner with a man, one taking a shower - and one by one the women suddenly disappear. From there we cut to a government facility where they’ve received a message: Mars needs women!

Suddenly Tommy Kirk appears in the facility - he’s on a mission from Mars - they’re having a fertility crisis and have come to Earth looking for female volunteers to come back with them. Naturally the authorities are outraged - worldwide.

Even though Tommy asked for volunteers, the authorities are looking at this as a threat and send rockets off to look for the Mars ship. They can’t see it and it doesn’t show up on radar, so they send a ship armed with a warhead in the general direction they think the Mars ship is but hit an invisible wall - Martians are able to neutralize anything that can scan them.

Meanwhile, the Martian ship hides in an old ice factory and the Martians, armed with flashlights from Sears, climb out of a hatch one by one. Tommy Kirk is dressed in what pretty much looks like a black wet suit (like scuba divers use) complete with a hood and little ear pieces stuck to the side with antennae sticking up. Five more Martians climb out through the hatch dressed the same only their suits are silver with black sleeves. They’re on a mission - Operation Sleep Freeze!

Tommy Kirk, apparently their fearless leader, sends them off for money, transportation, and earth clothing. Apparently they know karate - one of them karate chops some guy at a filling station and robs the till. Another one steals a car - guess they have cars on Mars because he knows how to drive. Another steals clothes (and complains bitterly about the ties when they dressed). They have 20 hours to each choose, research, and abduct a woman that meets their exact specifications.

They go cruising (not sure what city) - one of them gets out at a movie theatre, one goes to a strip club, two of them (Tommy and “the doctor”) go to a hotel but it’s full and they’re told they can wait in the bar. They watch a news report on TV about a genetics expert (Yvonne Craig) who’s arrived to offer advice in this time of crisis. She’s an expert on space sex and is giving a talk in the hotel which makes them very excited (in a deadpan sort of way).

They use Martian mind control to steal a room from a reporter and then use a communications console to see how the others are doing. They get a little worried when the guy in the strip club doesn’t answer - he’s mesmerized by the stripper (who's played by a real stripper) and followers her back to her dressing room. Tommy Kirk is going after Yvonne, the doctor is going to wait for the next day when the coeds come out to play.

Tommy goes down to the press conference where the reporters are giving Yvonne a hard time. He asks her a couple of serious, valid questions which she jumps all over in gratitude. She seems sympathetic to the Martian’s quest. That’s pretty much it for the press conference, and she ends up flirting with Tommy and they go for a walk to the planetarium. The show is about Mars and partway through the tape breaks and Tommy continues the dialogue that goes with the movie being shown. Yvonne is impressed (so is the curator).

They go for a walk as the sun sets - he looks a little shell shocked as he goes back to his room. One of the guys is wandering around the airport and has his sights set on a stewardess. He uses some kind of Martian mojo on her. Another is at a college football game - sets his sights on the homecoming queen and uses the Martian mojo on her.

Back to Yvonne where she’s in some kind of meeting with some scientists and the military. Some guy is talking about how the Martians are able to use hypnosis to kidnap the women - three women have disappeared without a trace.

The doctor is following a blond artist - uses the Martian mojo on her. Cut back to the strategy meeting. Yvonne suggests the ship could be at the old ice factory - she explains about “sleep freeze” for space travel. They decide to make a raid on the factory after sunset.

Yvonne and Tommy go for a drive after dark - they go to an exhibit on genetics (that showcases the work of her dead father) at some museum. She lets slip that they think they’ve found the ship and they’re going to raid it at 9. Tommy takes off and she follows - they drive to the factory in silence (she doesn’t even ask what’s going on). Tommy rushes inside where the others (back in their Martian suits) have the four missing women unconscious on tables. He tells them to abort the mission.

At this point Yvonne figures out who he is. He doesn’t want to go back to Mars and argues with the others. Meanwhile, soldiers surround the building. Tommy finally agrees to go if they leave Yvonne behind - he loves her. Yvonne cries as they leave. The ship escapes but they had to leave the women. Yvonne and the army guys stare up at the departing ship, more crying.

All in all, this movie wasn’t all that bad. That’s not to say it was particularly good, it just wasn’t really bad. The story was kind of sketchy and the action was pretty choppy, and despite assurances they were looking for volunteers, they had to use their mojo on each of the women. The movie pretty much tanked Tommy Kirk’s career, although it didn’t seem to do Yvonne Craig any harm. And although it was intended for a theatre release, it went straight to television.

I found it kind of strange that after all their effort they ended up going home empty handed. If they could pass so easily as human, why didn’t they just stay? I guess we’ll never know. All we’re left with is the sad fact that Mars still needs women.

Mirific Monday

mirific ~ wonder-working; marvellous

It’s the twenty-fourth of May
The Queen’s Birthday
And if we don’t get a holiday
We’ll all run away!

Okay, so it’s only the 23rd of May. But close enough for it to be Victoria Day. This means that if you live in Canada you probably have the day off. And if you live in the States ... well, we’ll raise a glass to you as we sit on our decks enjoying our barbeques. ;-)

Victoria Day, as you might have guessed, is celebrated in honour of Queen Victoria’s birthday. When we originally started celebrating it, back in 1845, it was held on May 24th, the queen’s actual birthday. But after she died in 1901 it was decided that in order to give everyone a long weekend, it would be held on the Monday before May 25th. Nice of them, wasn’t it?

Last week was pretty mixed up for me. The daughter had to go to a conference in Vancouver, so her hubby switched to a day shift so that I could babysit during the day and he’d be home in the evenings with the baby.

This was going to be fun! Or so I thought. Since I’d have the use of the daughter’s car, I envisioned road trips to the parks and maybe a visit or two to the drop in play group at the local YMCA. Girls going wild, Grammy style!

However, Sunday night my little Ellie came down with the sniffles, and was no better on Monday. This meant play group was out. And though the sun was shining brightly, the wind was really cold last week, which meant the park was out. *sigh*

My son-in-law took Thursday and Friday off, so my services were no longer needed, but as a lovely parting gift, Ellie gave me her cold. Wednesday I woke up with a really sore throat and was getting sniffling myself, and then Thursday it blossomed into the Epic Mega Death Cold From Hell.

Who says good deeds never go unpunished? On the other hand, look at that smiling face. It was totally worth it. ;-)

War of the Monsters

Some movies are so bad they’re good, and some movies are just ... bad. My husband and I enjoy watching them both and I thought it would be fun to share the best of the worst. So without further ado, here’s my bad movie review of the week. I leave it up to you to decide whether the movie is bad, or just the review. ;-)

If you’re looking for a bad monster movie, look no further than the Japanese monster movies of the sixties - the out of sync lip syncing, the cheesey costumes, the over the top acting ... War of the Monsters is no exception. This the second in a series of eight movies featuring Gamera, the fire-breathing mutant turtle. And trust me, the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles have nothing on Gamera.

The movie starts with a recap of what happened in the previous movie. After being freed from an iceberg, Gamera ran amok in Japan until being tricked or forced into a rocket and shot off into space towards Mars. Six months later, a meteor smacks into the rocket, but instead of killing Gamera, it releases him from the rocket and he returns to Earth. How did he survive the trip home without oxygen or a ship or whatever? I have no idea.

The first thing he does when he gets back is attack a large, hydro-electric dam. But then he suddenly “senses” a volcano about to erupt on the other side of the world (which also looks like Japan) and being attracted to heat and energy, off he goes.

Leaving Gamera behind, we’re introduced to the real plot of the movie which involves an enormous opal that was hidden in a cave in New Guinea during World War II. Three men go after the jewel - one gets bitten by a scorpion, and one of them sets off an explosion that traps the third one in the cave.

Of course the opal turns out to be an egg, and it hatches on the ship just as it reaches the harbour. The creature must have grown at an insanely accelerated rate because it leaves a hole in the side of the ship large enough to sink it rather quickly. And immediately it starts laying waste to the port.

The creature is lizard-like, with a long, curved horn on the nose, spikes along its spine, fixed eyes, and a really long tail. And you can totally tell it’s a man in a rubber suit. At first he uses his tongue like a battering ram, but once he warms up he can use it to spray a freezing mist (it kind of looks like a frog’s tongue). Hubby just about peed himself laughing when it froze a fighter plane in mid-flight and it just kind of came apart in the air. Then he uses the pièce de résistance, a rainbow beam coming out of the spikes on his back.

This energy beam attracts the attention of Gamera who comes spinning back from wherever he’d gone, and they of course get into a fight. First they just screech at each other, then the lizard starts bitch-slapping Gamera with his tail. Then he finally remembers his freeze ray and turns Gamera into a turtle-sicle. Then he goes off to lay waste to Osaka.

It’s at this point we finally learn the monster’s name - Barugon. To make an already long story a little shorter, after a plan to lure him into a lake (water weakens him, which begs the question: how did he survive his swim in the harbour?) fails, they create an insanely large mirror and goad him into using his rainbow beam, which is reflected back at him, and then Gamera (who’s newly thawed out) drags him into the lake and drowns him.

If you really, really want to know the story without having to subject yourself watch the movie, go to Million Monkey Theatre where there’s a great, blow by blow summary.

As hubby says, there just aren’t enough words to express how really bad this movie is. Don’t believe me? Watch it for yourself. I dare you! :-D