Yeah, I know I said you'd get vidoes today, but since yesterday was the last of the Sins/Virtues series I couldn't resist these when I stumbled across them. :-)
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened it's mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also."
God replies, "So be it." The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....."
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stopped the service and announced, "Whoever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".
An old lady stood up and said, "I did".
The preacher told her, "Since you are so generous as to put that much money in the plate, I would like to let you pick out three hymns."
Excitedly, the old woman said, "Oh, Good! I'll take him, and him, and him."
Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. After I had slowly come to my senses, I mustered the courage to go answer the door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
"Not a chance" I said. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
Frustrated at the sleep I just lost, I closed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked my wife, as I crawled back under the covers.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I answered.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and pouring outside."
"Well, you have a short memory," my wife said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
She was right. So I got up, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.
"Hello, are you still there?" I called out into the dark, almost hoping there would be no reply.
"Yes," a voice answered.
I sighed. "Do you still need a push?"
"Where are you?" I asked.
"Over here, on the swing!"
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his collar was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Shay, Father, what caushes arthritish?"
“Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be darned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
Having second thoughts about his abrupt manner, the priest nudged the drunk and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was jusht reading here that the Pope does."
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands, now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer, "That would definitely NOT be prudent. This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?? You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
“I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."