I'd like to take the credit for this, but I didn't write it, I just had it sitting in my files.
Twas the Month after Christmas
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
* * * * * * * * * *
Everyone should have a resolution or two, this year I decided to make some I might actually have a prayer of keeping:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
4. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
5. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
6. Get in a whole NEW rut!
7. Start being superstitious.
8. Personal goal: bring back disco.
9. Sleep more.
10. Include chocolate with every meal.
* * * * * * * * * *
At one time I resolved to no longer make resolutions. Instead I made the following affirmations for the New Year:
1. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
2. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
3. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
4. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
5. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
6. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
7. I am at one with my duality.
8. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
9. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
10. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
11. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
12. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
13. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.
14. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
15. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.