Whimsical Wednesday

Okay, I totally stole this post by Dana Marie Bell from the Samhain Weblog site, but it was so funny I just had to share.

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Once upon a time someone (cough) wrote a blog post over at Beyond the Veil titled Thirteen reasons why WereCats Are Better Than WereDogs. Ms. Anonymous of Halle, PA had quite a bit to say.

Well, Mr. BigBad heard about this, and decided to answer. His responses are in parenthesis:

1. Cats pick one human to love; dogs love everybody. Seriously. You’ve watched them lick complete strangers, you know you have. Do you know where your Dog has been, and why he’’s got that goofy, sloppy smile on his face when he comes home? Think about it. ( Dogs may love many people, but they are loyal to a select few. Those select few can consider themselves lucky, Ms. Kitty.)

2. Tree climbing. An important skill to learn, especially if your Hero/Heroine is caged in his/her room/tower by an evil Stepparent/King. While the Dog howls below her window inconsolably, the Cat merely climbs the tree, scampers agilely into the room, and rescues the knight/damsel in distress. (Baby, the Dog IS the Hero. He bites the bad guy where it counts and rescues the damsel every. Damn. Time. Meanwhile the Cat is…… taking a bath.)

3. Dogs will spread their legs and lick themselves anywhere, any time, regardless of the presence of women, children, and Cats. At least Cats find a nice, quiet corner to do their business in, and if you happen to run across one whilst in the midst of performing his daily “cleansing”, he still manages to look both dignified and pissed off that you interrupted his bath. ( Wouldn’t you?)

4. Dogs do not have the innate grace and balance of a Cat. Or the stunning beauty. They’re just big, hairy animals with saliva running off their tongues and onto the carpet. And you wonder why we walk along the back of your sofa? ( Funny. Just the other night you told me you love what I can do with my tongue.)

5. Dogs stink. Have you ever taken a good whiff after he comes in from rolling around in whatever he found out in the back yard to scratch his itch? It’s like, “Oh look, stinkweed! Let’s go roll in it, guys! Arf arf!” And then they have the nerve to look upset when you shove them in the shower before they can touch you. ( I thought we weren’t going to discuss that in public. Or should I mention the time I found you rolling in catnip?)

6. Cats are attractive, no matter the breed. Dogs? Sharpei. Nuff said. ( At least the sharpei has hair. Ever heard of the Sphynx cat? ‘Nuff said.)

7. Dogs chase Cats. That makes them bullies. And nobody likes a bully. ( Dogs chase Cats because the Cats put their claws in their butt during…… right. PG-13 blog.)

8. Because we’re just. That. Cool. (I kinda think you’re hot.)

9. Cats can get away with a little nip at your fingers and still get petted. Dogs get overnight trips to the backyard if they bare fang, or worse…… vet trips! (Don’t even think about it. Besides, if you didn’t taste so damn delicious I wouldn’t bite.)

10. Cats are both feared and revered across the world, and rightly so! Can you imagine a world where a DOG was the sacred animal of the Pharoahs? We’d probably be greeting each other by presenting butts instead of hands. ( Ever heard of Anubis?)

11. Speaking of butt sniffing, Cats take a different view of that than Dogs. Cats will sniff delicately once or twice and move on. Dogs, on the other hand, will sniff butt, back, sides, crotch, and then sneeze all over everything they just smelled, all the while wagging their tails like demented metronomes. No wonder humans shove them away! (I did NOT sneeze all over…… um. Right. Next?)

12. Cats can point at Dogs and say “He did it!” with a reasonable expectation of being believed. Although we have not yet mastered the technique known as “puppydog eyes” that invariably get the silly canines out of trouble, we do have the “It wasn’t me, that’s too undignified” look down pat. ( What do you mean, “He did it”? Wait. Belle, what did you do?)

And finally……

13. Our Alpha is smarter/stronger/faster/handsomer/cooler than their Alpha. And how could he not be? Theirs is a Dog. ( YOUR Alpha is a Dog. THEIR Alpha is a Cat. So how cool am I now?)